The Sirius Black Advice Column
by Ms. Estella Black
Summary: How the heck did 16 year old Sirius Black get an Advice Column in the Daily Prophet? Well, it looks like he did, and here are the clip outs I found in his trunk at James's house.
1. Of tractors and screaming girls

Dear Sirius,

Aren't my xD's better than Tamara Lestrange's XD's ?

-Awesome xD gurl

Dear Awesome xD gurl,

zD pwns them all. Sorry.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
Don't you just love llamas?

-Llama lover

Dear Llama lover,

NO LLAMA'S ARE EVIL. Poe the Alpaca told me! Alpacas rock!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
When are you going to come back online and ansswer our questions? blah blah blah blah blahh

-Blah Bah peep

Dear Blah Blah peep,

Right now.

-Sirius

DEAR SIRIUS,  
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SCREAMING?

-SOME RANDOM SCREAMING CHICK!

Dear SOME RANDOM SCREAMING CHICK!,

YES!

-SIRIUS

Dear Sirius,  
Do you think my tractor's sexy?

-Tractor awesomness

Dear Tractor awesomeness,

Heck yeah babes!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
Do like to drink out of dirty toilets.

Scrubbing Bubbles

Dear Scrubbing Bubbles,

Uhm. No. *coughwheni'minanimagusformcough*

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
I have shit on my ceiling. How do I get the stain out?

-Shit on ceiling chick

Dear Shit on cealing chick,

Get Moony to lick it off!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
I threw shit at my cat, Mione. How can I throw shit at her without having to lick my hands clean?

-Ass Licker

Dear Ass Licker.

You let me lick them off. ;)

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
I need to pee but I have a toilet phobia. What do I do?

-Pisser Girl

Dear Pisser Girf,

Try using a urinal.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
I have a problem with wiping my ass on my cat after I piss and take a can I stop it.

-Stinky Laxitive

Dear Stink Laxitive,

You find a rat to use as toilet paper instead.  
Or a stag. zD

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
Your mom

-ahahaha person

Dear ahahaha person,

is evil.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
I like to lick windows on the special bus and everyone keeps telling me to wear a helmet. How do I keep my window licking abilities while wearing a helmet?

-Special Tard re-re

Dear Special Tar re-re,

Lick the inside of the helmet instead!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
Twice on Tuesdays. Oh shit, it's not tuesday. FML.

PS- I just carsed..

-hell yeah person

Dear hell yeah person,

Carsed?

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
Are you gay?

-Still Straight

Dear Still Straight,

No.

-Sirius aka the straight guy

Dear Sirius,  
How are the germ orgies in your mouth?

-Curious about Germ orgies

Dear Curious about Germ orgies,

Excellent, thank you for asking!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
Have you ever had the whole world party in your mouth?

-Mr Clean with Listerine

Dear Mr Clean with Listerine,  
OMG i SHOULD INVITE THE WHOLE WORLD TO DO THAT!

Wait but would I be able to go in my mouth too?

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
I killed your mom./ How do you feel about HIS death?

-ahahah murderer

Dear ahahah murderer,

I really don't care. And sense when was my mom a guy?

Oh that explains it.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
Tamara told me her bra is loose. lol. Bet it's not the only loose thing she has.

-Disturbed inthe mind

Dear Disturbed inthe mind,

If she wasn't my cousin I'd be intrigued.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, I just wanna be me!  
-confused and hopeless maniac

Dear confused and hopeless maniac,

How about being a maniac?

-Siri

Dear Sirius,  
some crazy cat just jumped in through my window and i wanna kill it  
-cat killer

Dear cat killer,

Check to make sure it's not McGonagall first.

Then kill it.

-Sirius

**WANNA ASK SIRIUS A QUESTION? INCLUDE IT IN YOUR REVIEW OR SEND ME OVER A MESSAGE!**


	2. Of llama hating alpacas and zombies

Dear Sirius,  
You will be Godfather of your Nephew right?

-ToberzLuvschu

Dear ToberzLuvschu,

Of course I will. :)

XOXO Your amazing big bro

DEAR SIRIUS,  
HI I'M BILLY MAYS AND I LIKE TO STAPLE THINGS WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING WHY DO YOU THINK I SCREAM ALL THE TIME?

-Dick Stapler

Dear Dick Stapler,

I like your name. ;)

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
WOW! THAT'S A LOW PRICE!

-That gay guy at staples

Dear That gay guy at staples,

No it's not. I cost $-92380423984 and 99 cents.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
I want to fly but I can because my mo\um is an asshole.I've tried to shoot her and I've tried to get a cow to rape her but it got scared.I've tried to jump off the roof but i fucked up my face. So HOW DO I GET THE COW TO RAPE HER?

P.S: I just carsed

-Horny Cow Mum

Dear Horny Cow Mum,

Transfigure your mum into a cow!

-Sirius O. Black

Dear Sirius,  
LMAO. NO! I don't want to laugh my ass off. I like my ass. I don't want it to fall off while I laugh! What do I do?

-Ass-Dont-Fall

Dear Ass Don't-Fall,

Try sitting down whenever you laugh.

-Sirius

**Dear Sirius,**

**I disagree with you and Awesome xD gurl**

**xP is WAAAAAAAAAY cooler**

**-xP rocks** **Dear xP rocks,** **You are completely right, love. xP** **-Sirius** **Dear Sirius,**  
**Why can't I hum with my breath and nose held?**  
**-silly billy** **Dear silly billy,** Because you, good sir, are weird. Everyone can do that! -Sirius

dear sirius,

what do i do if i becaome invisible?

from Invisible chick

Dear Invisible chick,

Cover yourself in smellless flowers so I can still smell you!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius

whats your survival plan for a Zombie apocalypse?

-Zombie apocalypse guy

Dear Zombie apocalypse guy,

Buy 'Shaun of the Dead', lock myself in my house, watch it so many times I have it memorized, and then defeat the zombies.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,

Harry,mummy and daddy didn't come to my ballet concert when they promised me they did. Now everyone hates me.  
What shall I do?  
Love your little confused goddaughter

Dear My little confused goddaughter,

Why I was not told of your ballet concert? Not only would I have come, but I would have dragged them to it too!

Tell them I need to talk to them.

XOXO your amazingly awaesome godfather

Hiz. Me iz Poe.

How should I kill Nelle Porter? She iz a llama. Actually, she iz a human but I tihnk she iz a llama in disguise. so yeah.

thank youz

-

Dear ,

Cut off her head with a machete.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,

My dog keeps humping my both girls.

How do i make them stop 

Dear ,

Give me your dog for a week and I'll fix it.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,

What came first? Chicken or the egg? I'm locked out of the common room!

-Luna-Nargles Lovegood

Dear Luna,

The egg, the chicken, I don't know! Ask Stella Shay, she's in Ravenclaw!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,

There's a whore-like girl thats engaged who's hitting on my crush. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?  
Love you lots,  
Pissed off crushed girl

Dear Pissed off crushed girl,

Get her fiancé to see her hitting on your crush somehow. Then proceed to tell him that this happens all the time. Watch the chaos ensue.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius.  
I happen to fancy this bloke a lot, but how do I tell if he likes me back?  
-Hopeless.

Dear Hopeless,

Try flirting with him and see if he flirts back. Catch his eye and give him a smile. See how he responds. Let him know you're interested by giggling, or touching his hand a bit while you're talking. I always find it nice when a girl reaches over and brushes my hair out of my face.

-Sirius

**Dear Sirius,**  
**I dunno how awesome I am. Help?**  
**-Some'random'chick** **Dear Some 'random' chick,** **You are super mega foxy ****awesome**** hot awesome. You're so awesome it hurts.** **-Sirius****Dear Sirius,**  
**Poking people on facebook is sick and disgusting because it's like virtually having sex with them. We need to do something about it, don't you agree?**

**-Facebook Molester**

**PS IM IN BILLY MAYS KEY MODE AND I POKE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME! FACEBOOK-MOLESTING IS FUN!**

Dear Facebook Molester,

No.

-Sirius

**Dear Sirius,**  
**Have you ever crapped yourself in a dark place like****Lunas Lovegood****did?**

**-Secret Crapper** **Dear Secret Crapper,** **Nope. But I bet you have.** **-Sirius**

Dear Sirius,

R! A! P! E! GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF ME!

-Scared of being raped by Sirius the Dog

Dear Scared,

I would never do that. :(

-Sirius-the-Non-Rapist

**Dear Sirius,**  
**I heard you shriveled up in the bathtub. Poor Egg! For more info please contact Micheal Jackson.**

**-Mione's cooked Egg**

Dear Mione's cooked egg,

Nope! You heard wrong! =D

-Sirius


	3. Of hotdogs and jizzy pants

Dear Sirius,  
I'm trying to get my cat to eat her food. So i stuck her in the bathroom for like and hour and she won't eat it. I let her out and she went straight for the dog food. IT'S YOU LIL' SIS! XD

-XD XD Chicka

Dear Sirius,

why wont these hot dogs stop being frozen and retarded?

-hot fucking dog chica

Dear hot fucking dog chicka,

Take them to the mental asylum.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,

my moms friends keeps throwing shitty diapers at me. WHAT THE HELL?

-diaper-on-my-head

Dear diaper-on-my-head,

Throw them back at them!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,

Bigfoot just pissed on my dog. What do I do?

-Confuzzled Person...and Dog

Dear Confuzzled Person… and Dog,

OMG YOUR DOG! Give her a shower. Then let me meet her cos I love dogs.

-Pad- I mean Sirius

Dear Sirius,

Why did you sign your last letters as Pad? Hmm? Are you a feminine hygiene product?

-idontusetampons

Dear idonusetampons,

NO! And you can't use me either! *starts crying*

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,

Uhm. Why are you crying?

-Prongs

Dear Prongs,

BECAUSE I AM NOT A FEMINIE HYGIENCE PRODUCT THAT'S WHY!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,

You mean you /want/ to be a pad? I'm confused.

-Prongs

Dear Prongs,

NO YOU IDIOT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,

Wow. That is all I can say. Wow.

-Moony

Dear Moony,

WOW YOURSELF! I AM HAVING A BREAKDOWN RIGHT NOW!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,

Shut it and stop yelling! We're all trying to sleep in here!

-Frank

Dear Frank,

Fine. I'll just answer the rest of my questions in peace!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
S I M P! Squirrels in my pants! XD

-your mom

PS: were out of toilet paper.. buy some at that muggle store

Dear your mom,

Well, they must be happy squirrels, eh? And I don't need toilet paper!

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
I ate a grape and jizzed in my pants.

-Dick

P.S: I ate your mom

Dear Dick,

Good job eating mum. And that's disgusting.

Dear Sirius,  
My wand got stuck in mione and so i had to use a spell to get it out!

Dear Harry,

Oh gosh. That's out of my league.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
How do you get a "wand" out of you when it's stuck?

Dear ,

Uh…. Like I told you're boyfriend.

-Sirius

Dear Sirius,  
I am scared that I will be kidnapped last time when I was 1 years old.I keep checking my house for death eaters in my house every 1 hour.I cant concetrate in school and I lose my Harry isn't talking to shall I do?  
Love your still upset goddaughter :''''''''(

Dear my still upset goddaughter,

Don't worry, I'll keep you safe!

Love, your amazing Godfather

**A/N I know, I know I haven't updated in forever. Kill me if you want. Actually, please don't xD Also, Sirius has got a tumblr which you can follow! Put ohhaithereimsirius beofre dot tumblr dot com (It wouldn't show!)**


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